To the boys outside the locker room

When I was in school, I wasn't amongst the 'popular squad' of macho-men. Was neither invited to hangout in the bathroom for a candid locker-room talk nor made privy to dirty jokes. "I wouldn't get them,'' they would say nonchalantly. And that was fine with me for the most part. Except when they came after me. My voice suddenly sounded too kiddish, too feminine to them; my expressiveness was mistaken to be exaggerated and dramatic. I was called names that I couldn't even spell or mustered the courage to decipher. Bunking school wasn't for me. For where would I go? I did not know the secret spots, the hangout nooks or the darkened alleys where the entitled boys met to attain sovereign privilege manhood. For many years that followed, I blamed myself for not knowing enough, for not being brash or rude or arrogant or crass, as those qualities I thought made you more acceptable. Only to realise much later, in fact they weren't virtues but curses that lowered the high-rank of humanity within us. Being angry or mean with no logic, reason or moral judgment diminished our light within.

If you are a school going boy, like I was, bursting with teenage angst and hormonal gymnastics, marinating in the struggle of standing out and fitting in, not gaining membership of these confidential 'Male-only' groups, I want to tell you loud and clear - It's ALRIGHT. It really is. You will be made to feel less than a man, called names - sissy, fag, milksop, weakling, pansy, softie, crybaby, spineless, effiminate, wimpy, weedy - and pejoratives, that you will have a hard time ripping off your skin. The gaze of the self-labelled cool brigade will try hard to pierce through your naivety and notoriety. Well, you will first resist it, then fight it and eventually, learn that it is best to ignore it. Allowing for someone's definition of being a man - mostly to bully an introvert, pick on a geek, objectify women, curse under every breath and be a rebel without a cause - will not help you circle back to being more of yourself. On the contrary, if you do submit to their metaphor for masochism, you'll have enough regrets to fill the long call sheet of guilt and repentance.

So instead, I encourage you to grow your intellect, polish your skills, refine your language, enrich your vocabulary, assist someone in feeling worth it, help at home, learn to cook, take care of yourself and your body, play sports and read books. Talk to people a little older than you to gain insight on what matters, discover choices that empower you, take pleasure in the company of younger siblings and children to retain a sense of innocence. Do whatever it takes to revolt against the urge to scribble down the phone number of a girl on the school toilet wall, who did not give you attention, annihilate the impulse to circulate a rumor or a nude of someone who doesn't mean you no harm, do not lust after seeking revenge for someone getting more likes or followers than you - it is beneath you and will always be.

Eventually, when you arrive at your own definition of what it means to be a man, you will be liberated to find out that the goal was never to be a chauvinistic male consumed by patriarchy but a whole hearted human, one who did not have to reduce someone to rise in life.